We Say We Do, But We Don't (from Chapter Four: The Declaration of Intention)

If intensions are so powerful, why don't they always pan out? What if you swear you want to make more money, your intent is sincere, your desire is strong, but try as you might, your paycheck remains paltry?

If this is the case, it's for this reason: You get what you want, not what you ask for. The distinction is critical.

Beth Sawi, chief administrative officer of Charles Schwab, describes the moment she set her sights on earning six figures. "I was at Stanford with some very ambitious people, so I pushed myself into a higher bracket than I was comfortable with. Part of me said, 'I can do this.' Another part said, 'I can't.' I guess the first part was stronger."

There lies one of the biggest differences between the money-makers and the rest of the world. For lower earners, the part that says, "I can't" holds the strongest sway. We all have numerous intentions, including some we aren't even aware of. You run into trouble when your expressed intentions are at odds with your unconscious ones.

When an implicit desire—say to be comfortable—is stronger than your spoken intention—to be profitable—you'll stop yourself at every turn. You'll water down your efforts, make misguided choices, and justify your actions with a variety of excuses. You may say, and believe, you want to make more, but that's not the message that's reaching your brain.

If you want to know what your strongest intention is regarding money, look at your life. If cash flow is a problem, if your job pays too little, if prosperity remains elusive, if you can't seem to find the time to do what it takes, then either you have not set an intention or you actually intend not to be financially successful. No decision, after all, is a decision.

Good Girls Don't ( from Chapter Seven: Speak Up)

Perhaps of all the strategies mentioned in this book, speaking up is the toughest for women, who are less confident and have lower expectations in negotiations than men. According to one study, even women who display the same negotiation behavior as men feel less successful than men do. Why are women so hesitant to assert themselves? And why do they still feel dubious after they do?

In part, it's the way we were raised. As girls, few of us were encouraged to speak our mind, so we have trouble doing so when we're older. I remember in my workshop one day, a comment from an underearner prompted every head in the room to nod in agreement. "When I grew up I was told: 'Be a good girl, don't speak unless spoken to, and never contradict.' You were supposed to recede into the wallpaper. I think that's why it's really difficult for me to feel comfortable promoting myself."

You're not likely to find much reinforcement for speaking up from the present-day culture, either. According to the Journal of Social Issues, women with a "directive style" are evaluated more harshly than men. "Competent self-promoting women risk being disliked and rejected, especially by men," concluded the authors. Likewise, in studies by the Management Research Group out of Portland, Maine, men got high marks from their bosses when they were forceful and assertive, but women were downgraded for displaying the same qualities. To be quite candid, the double standard is alive and kicking—assertive men are respected, assertive women are resented.

"I sometimes feel, in meetings, that being direct and straightforward is interpreted as bitchy, whereas from a man it would just be forceful. It's intimidating," a senior vice president reported.

Being cast as a bitch when they're acting confident and bold has even subdued some of the highest earners. Women by nature are relationship-driven. As much as we hate to admit it, our need to be liked and our fear of rejection will often inhibit us from taking a stand. Trying to please everyone is always a formula for failure.